I'm doing my first open mic tonight. It doesn't feel like a momentous occasion because I've done stand-up a couple times as well as Moth stuff, improv, etc. But it feels like an open acknowledgement that here I am, trying, and trying not to worry about what people think of me. And maybe I won't end up doing it a ton more after this, but at the moment, it was something I wanted to try.
I spent a lot of time not doing stand-up because I was worried about what people would think. I don't want to be a booker who uses his/her connections to advance her own career. I don't like the idea of being judged by comics who I've had to turn down for various things. I know I'm going to suck for a while and I'm okay with that, but I don't like the fact that people are going to watch this set and be like, "She's not funny. Why does she get to decide whether I'm funny or not?" I feel like I've spent my whole life caring way too much about what other people think and trying to look like I don't care when I miss being the kind of person who cared HARD about stuff, who tried hard, who was okay being the girl who auditioned for every Hunter play and OTI 8 times and didn't get called back.
The fact of the matter is that I'm 25 and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I legit bought a book called "What should I do with my life?" from a used book store and guess what? It did not have any answers. (Okay, I only read the first 20 pages, but I'm pretty sure the end is not going to be like "Sachi, you are supposed to be an accountant.") When I first graduated, all I knew is I wanted to be near comedy and I was so lucky to get internships and jobs that allowed me to do that. But now I feel like I'm supposed to be making more specific decisions. I still don't know if I want to be a performer or a writer or a producer or a director or a network executive and I'm not going to cross things off until I know for sure that they're not for me. So this is going to be my year of trying stuff. I refuse to settle into the most comfortable and easiest path just because I'm scared of being judged. SO GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME, YOU JUDGE DREDDS AND JUDGE JUDYS. or the more likely scenario: most people are too worried about their own selves to spend time sitting around judging me and it is self-involved of me to think anybody even cares about whether i try some shit out.
I'll probably be back here tomorrow like "never mind, i give up" but for now, I'm trying to keep spirits alive. #yearofpenny
3 comments:
One thing I thought of recently was how important it is to find a way to not care about what EVERYBODY thinks. The more successful you become, the greater the chances that someone is going to want to rip into you.
A million can love you but, it won't do you any good if you listen to the one hater.
I feel ya, Sach! I literally Googled "I have no idea what to do with my life" yesterday. So, I just wanted to say you're not alone in this anxiety, and lots of props for committing to trying different things this year. Sounds cliche and corny, but if you find fulfillment/excitement in doing any of it, then I think that's it's own mark of success, regardless of what does or does not come of it (or what anyone else thinks).
I told you to buy that book! And you need to read the whole thing, not the first 20 pages! IT'S GOOD!!!! Of course it doesn't have any specific answers for YOU but it's super helpful seeing how people make choices and how to judge whether a certain choice is wise or not. READ THE WHOLE THING.
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